Online Stories, OneShots, Drabbles and More!
by Hades Lord of the Dead
Summary: A collaboration between Catherine Sparks and I. Various conversations online, where we gave ourselves characters and wrote a dialogue-only scene. Not meant to be serious, or even in character. Mild swearing and sex references within.
1. The MJH Files : Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

**Pure silliness, a collaboration between myself and Catherine Spark. If you don't have an indulgent sense of humour, I suggest you don't read. She was Watson I was Holmes. More chapters to come after this one.**

**Summary:**

"**Holmes is pregnant. How will Watson react?"**

"Watson, you know I think I may be sick."

"Why's that Holmes?"

"Well, every morning for the past week, I've been vomiting uncontrollably. And yet, I seem to want to eat constantly. Meanwhile I am growing ever fatter."

"Oh yes, you're not quite so lean as I recall you used to be. In fact, you have a distinct beer stomach. Are there any other symptoms?"

"Hmm... well... Lestrade doubted my deductions again and..."

"Yes Holmes?"

"I don't know... I suppose I just felt more... emotional than usual?"

"EMOTIONAL? HOLMES? But all emotions are abhorrent to your cold, precise, but admirably balanced mind."

"Yes, but... at this PARICULAR crime scene, at Lestrade's cruel words... I burst into tears!"

"Now...let me see... Have you been having headaches? Faintness?"

"No, not that I can recall..."

"Ah... Could it be...Your time of the month?"

"EXCUSE ME?"

"You heard me, man."

"Well, I suppose- Erm.. NO! That is to say... how could it be?"

"Well that complicates things... Well...how could you? How could you be? That is the same question I ask myself now..."

"How could I be... what?"

"Hmm... Well the deductions I can make from your symptoms all point to the same thing. Holmes...sit down."

"Well, alright. I'm always so tired these days... and yet Mrs Hudson tells me I've got a positive glow..."

"This isn't going to be easy for either of us."

"... You're worrying me Watson. What's wrong with me?"

"Well, that's just it, I don't know HOW it can happen biologically, but practically and chronologically it all fits."

"WHAT all fits? What is your point Watson? Will I... die?"

"Actually Holmes...I think you might be pregnant."

"... Ha ha ha, very funny Watson, now, seriously..."

"I AM serious, I wish I was joking."

"But... how?"

"I told you that you'd better sit down. Do you remember the case I wrote up entitled The Valley of Fear?"

"Yes, that particular romanticised case has not yet escaped my memory."

"Romanticised is the word indeed. Remember how at that inn a double bedded room was the best they could do for us?"

"Yees..."

"Well...I was so happy that you had solved the case...and one thing led to another... And you know how it goes."

"Oh no! You mean, that night..?"

"That night...yes. When you were so drunk on success..."

"When I was drunk, yes, and you informed me afterwards, that you recalled me being... Well I believe your exact words were, "Rather more friendly than usual." What exactly happened, that... night?

"I struggle to remember myself - it's a bit hazy for me too."

"But when we woke up,"

"The next morning,"

"In the double bed,"

"Together,"

"Naked."

"Yes, and for you it seems... impregnated."

"But how are we going to tell Mrs Hudson? She's bound to find out! Unless we...run away?"

"You mean ELOPE?"

"Well... that too."

"But Holmes, what about when the baby is born?"

"Well... I hear the Scots are far more understanding than us English"

"Yes, you're right. They may be tight wads but they're understanding enough. And they're VERY discreet."

"Good. That's just what we need."

"Let's pack our things!"

"Yes. And prepare, for the biggest adventure of our lives."

**A/N Please review and leave your comments!**


	2. The MJH Files : Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 1**

**Slightly ruder this time. Nothing too bad though. Thanks all reviewers!**

**SUMMARY:**

**"Holmes is giving birth. How will Watson react?"  
**

"AHHHHHHHH! OH GOD! WATSON I HATE YOU!"

"What's wrong?"

"THESE CON-TRAC-TIONS!"

"Has it started! Breathe Holmes, breathe! In and out, like blowing a candle out..."

"I KNOW HOW TO BREATHE!"

"Stop shouting at me."

"OH IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY!"

"You'll only raise your adrenaline level and decrease your oxygen reserves which will enhance the pain."

"YES WELL, YOU TRY SQUEEZING A BABY OUT OF YOUR-"

"Out of my what, Holmes?"

"OUT OF MY AR- AHHHHH! WATSON!"

"Are you pushing?"

"IT'S TOO HARD! I CAN'T ANYMORE!"

"I can see the head! You're crowning! Keep pushing! Trust me I'm a doctor!"

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRR...!"

"That's right! Here come the shoulders!"

"GRRRRRRRRRR...!"

"One more big one! One! Two! Three! PUSH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh...it's out! It's here..."

"Is... is it alright?"

"Yes she's perfect. I'm just cleaning her up now."

"Her? It's a girl?"

"Yes...a little girl"

"Waaaaaahh!"

"What do you think we should call her?"

"I think... Mycroft... after my brother."

" I like Mycroft. Let's call her Mycroft John Hotson."

"Little baby Mycroft..."

"Oh, she's hungry! Hang on...how do you feed her?"

"I've managed to train myself to lactate, to surprise you... Not only is it useful now but also... in bed..."

"Oh Holmes you lovely creature!"

"I know... but nothing could be as lovely and perfect as little Mycroft Hotson... she's beautiful."

"She's got your eyes. And your aquiline features... But my moustache."

"Yes... And your bottom"

"Thank you. I exercise."

"I know... I've been... watching..."

"Oh you cheeky basta-! Oh, I forgot! We have a child now, we mustn't swear."

"Goo goo, gaga...Bastard!"

"Her first word!"

"And look she's walking already!"

"Yes... she also seems to have the exact same length of my legs. And yet still maintain the body of a baby..."

"I think she grew since you gave birth to her. And look - she's making some deductions now!

She has the gift too!"

"Yes... and yet she has all of your physical capabilities..."

"But still the mentality of a baby. And your physical capabilities too..."

"What... ALL the capabilities?"

"Well..."

"Oh no! She's on the rampage! And still growing..."

"But Watson... Do you realise what this means? If she is a mixture of both of us, then the trait we both have in common will be the strongest one in her!"

"And... what trait is that Holmes?"

"HER DEEP HATRED OF INSPECTOR LESTRADE AND EVERYONE ELSE IN SCOTLAND YARD! Do you realise what this means?"

"Of course! We can use her as our secret weapon! DOWN WITH SCOTLAND YARD!"

"Yes! As payback for all the times they took credit for my... erm... _our_ cases! DOWN WITH SCOTLAND YARD!"

"But...What about Big Mycroft? Won't he get onto us if we set little Mycroft on them all?"

"Oh Watson, she's already three times the size of my brother now! And besides, she'll have already eaten a few of them by the time we've reached London..."

"That's true. We've got the head start! Or at least, little... erm... female Mycroft has!"

"Quickly! The game is a giant moustachioed, (yet female), baby!"

"Wait... Perhaps we should have taken a leaf from Stapleton's book and daubed her with phosphorous first just to scare them even more..."

"Of course! Quickly let's catch her up!"

"Right behind you Holmes! If you know what I mean..."

**A/N More to come... **


	3. The MJH Files : Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

**Last very short chapter... Of this story at least!  
**

**SUMMARY:**

**"Lestrade is pregnant. How will Watson react?"  
**

"We've here! Mycroft, take the roof off!

"BLEEARGH."

"Lestrade, that's disgusting!"

"Sorry. Been a bit sick recently. And I seem to be gaining a lot of weight..."

"Hmm... well perhaps you're just- WAIT!... Watson... do you think...?"

"Yes I do!"

"Lestrade... I think you should sit down."

"Well..."

"Trust me on this... I _know_!"

"Well, alright... I _am _rather tired... yet Gregson has just been telling me that I have a positive _glow_..."

"Hmmm..."

"Lestrade, you recall that night, during Holmes's Hiatus, when we'd solved that case together, and we were both rather drunk on success..?"

"Yes..."

**A FEW HOURS LATER...**

"Oh... so... what should we do now?**"**

"... Scotland?"

**A/N Next up we'll be seeing more of Brother Mycroft... In The Adventure of... THE SIX NAPPYOLEANS! **


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